Best food books

Everyone in the world should love the following things: napping and eating. And, to further love of the latter, the Chicago Tribune asked chefs to list their favorite non-cookbook food books. Hello, added to my reading list.

Rags to riches is much better than rags to rags

We all love Susan Boyle (or we did the first time we heard her, at any rate) because she was so unexpected, and it was nice to root for someone for once, instead of tearing someone down. This is the underlying theory behind Tatjana Soli's formula for writers to like as people, and honestly, I think it's a pretty solid formula, because it's hard to root for the Lauren Conrad-as-author types of the world.

So here's a "hurrah" for all of you currently humble, quirky job havers, who will one day shoot to immortality (and hopefully not for falling down in a YouTube video). As for me, my story will track my meteoric rise to fame from humble waffle and burrito connoisseur to...er...arrogant waffle and burrito connoisseur. Bask in my humble glory while you can!

Why do we keep reading "The Lottery"?

That story is messed. Up. And the Onion acknowledges it, in an article entitled, "Watching Faces Of Students As They Finish 'The Lottery' Highlight Of English Teacher's Year."

"Oh, my God, the looks on their faces when they realize the villagers are actually going to stone Mrs. Hutchinson to death right then and there!" said Hamlin, who added that she never allows students to read the story as a take-home assignment. "I'm almost too excited to sleep. Oh, it's so great! They're never gonna see it coming!"

My confusion about this article comes from the fact that it is, in fact, in the Onion. Isn't this what being an English teacher, nay, any teacher, is all about? Watching the faces of children as you crush their sense of what is right?

...No?

( Also thank you to the Rejectionist for emailing me yet another faboosh link, for which she has earned one waffle cookie, redeemable at her earliest convenience. Wouldn't you ALL like waffle cookies, reader types? Send links!)

If the Christmas chapbook is back, I would like a Hess truck

Although the holiday season is over, there are still some things we need to talk through. Yes, homemade gifts can be very nice, especially if you are good at doing something (if you're interested, I can knit hideous, hideous scarves, pocket squares, kitty blankets...basically anything ugly and square, I can do). Yet the handwritten holiday chapbook remains one of the things that I don't think needs a comeback, although some would disagree. The reasoning?

It's a hugely egotistical exercise, I admit, but no more so than hoping people you know will shell out hard cash for a properly-published piece of fiction. Chapbooks of this kind are homemade, personal and inexpensive - and have an illustrious literary history.

Listen. Neil Gaiman has a short story in Smoke and Mirrors that he originally sent in Christmas cards, but I'd bet he still gave other presents that year. And I've given my share of crappy gifts (sorry family!), but I think a present should be specific to the recipient, not the spam e-mail of gifts to showcase my dubious knitting and writing talents.

I'd be happy to read a chapbook as an addition to a thoughtful (potentially small and inexpensive) gift, but I'd prefer your re-gifted scented candles from Aunt Myrna or a bottle of Andre from the corner bodega if it's that or a chapbook. Plus, the "my only gift to you is my glorious writing and you damn well better appreciate it" move is one that rhymes with "rasturbatory," and that is an icky thing to gift.

More importantly: for those of you who were worried, yes, I did get a waffle iron during the holiday season (I restrained myself from posting photos only through sheer will. You're welcome!). I now only eat waffle shaped things. Soups are difficult.

Waffles are so deadly

Guys. Guys. Guys. This is why you never want to hear a zombie say, "Leggo my Eggo."

Eggo shortage is a sign of the apocalypse

Over at Pimp My Novel, Kate pointed out the Eggo shortage ravaging the country. Thank goodness, Stephen Colbert has addressed the issue:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Eggo Waffles Shortage Alert
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor U.S. Speedskating

This is yet another reason to buy a waffle iron. That, plus waffle iron pizza pockets.

Waffle bacon: Life has meaning

Dear anyone who wants to buy me presents,

Please, for the love of all that is holy and a lot that isn't, purchase me a waffle iron. First there were waffle cookies, then waffle cake, and now waffle bacon (there's a video!). There are a lot of things I could say, but what it comes down to is this: I simply cannot continue to live without a waffle iron.

I am a holiday omnivore, and will pretend to celebrate anything you want me to in exchange for said waffle iron.

Sincerely,
Your best friend,

Laura C. Ombreviations